The Speaking Tube Beneath My Tub

Today I discovered when I sit in my empty bathtub, it’s as if someone accidentally installed a speaking tube under it instead of a drain pipe.  In other words, I can hear every word my neighbors are saying inside their apartment.

This afternoon their conversation centered around marijuana and how it should be legal.  Due to the irate nature of the rant, and the fact that it went on for well over half an hour, without anyone losing the thread of what they were talking about, I have come to the conclusion that this particular subject was brought on by a lack of marijuana created by a lack of funds.

For some reason, my favorite bit was the following stated vehemently and adamantly:

“The government isn’t a corporation!  They can’t make money!  What does the government sell that people want?!  Nothing!  That’s what!”

While I was sorely tempted to put my mouth against the bathtub drain and shout “Down with The Man!” I did not have the guts to test whether or not the speaking tube went both ways.  However, I’m pretty sure it does.

No matter how hard I pray that sound is like heat and only travels upward, I have no choice but to assume that if I can hear every word they’re saying, they can hear every word I’m saying. Or singing, as in this case, we’re talking about the bathtub/shower.

I can’t help but wonder what kind of hell my neighbors are living in, as there are two things I consistently do in the shower, every day.

1. Sing I’ve Been Working On The Railroad

2. Laugh, chuckle, guffaw.

I don’t know why but I never tire of singing I’ve Been Working On The Railroad.  It doesn’t matter what time of day I’m showering, when I sing that, I feel as if I’m up early and working hard.  And it’s as if I’ve been working hard for forty years straight, which fills me with a sense of deep accomplishment and pride at my massive contribution to society.

I also like to sing certain verses with what I imagine to be a Jewish New York accent.

But the most important part is to sing the very last line, “strumming on the old banjo” as loud as I possibly can.  I’m trying to reach the level of volume where I can feel my whole skull vibrate.

It’s a thrill I’m addicted to.

As far as the incessant chuckling and laughing, it’s pretty straight forward – being in the shower makes all kinds of funny things pop into my head.

In the end you’re probably wondering why I was sitting in an empty tub.  The answer is – I was spying on the neighbors of course!